I would not say that I am a shallow person. In fact, I considered myself to be a very accepting person when it comes to loving and accepting “all kinds of kinds”…thank you, Miranda Lambert 😉
So why is it I find myself not accepting myself because I am “different” than what I am used to…and you know what, the really difficult part is that the only thing that is “different” about me is that I am “physically different” that I am used to. Now I am finding myself hating myself for being so “shallow” that I literally hate myself and hate looking in the mirror, hate taking pictures because I look at them, and I don’t see my “self”. I don’t see “myself”? Deep down I know I shouldn’t be defining myself by physical looks or attributes, yet I am allowing those thoughts to creep into my head regardless.
Deep down I know and I always tell myself and others not to measure who you are by physical attributes. There is SO much more to people. We should not define ourselves by physical characteristics. The most important thing in life is that you are a good person and treat others well. You take opportunities to be kind, give back, and be the best person you can be.
And you know what, from all of this, I would say I am growing and becoming a better person. I am more focused on treating others well because I realize the power of it.
Hence my new favorite quote:
“Be Kind…For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Battle You Know Nothing About”
Yet, I still find myself succumbing to the pressures of society. Why is it that we can tell others not to care what others think but when it comes to ourselves we are our own biggest critic? I am constantly telling others not to focus on physical attributes but to just be the best person they can be in character because that is what truly matters.
Then I turn around and beat myself when I look in the mirror, when I get dressed, when I take a picture because I hate it. I cannot lie. I hate it. I hate me. I hate mirrors. I hate clothes. I hate cameras. I want to move to a deserted island where I don’t have to deal with any of this. Where I don’t have to succumb to all of the pressures of society to look a certain way. Where it isn’t attractive to have “upper body/abdomen obesity” with skinny arms and legs, a moon face, a buffalo hump, deep. red/purple stretch marks, acne, irritated skin, bruises, thin hair, bloating, etc.
Not only do I hate all of those things: mirrors, clothes, cameras, etc. I hate myself for hating all of that stuff. Am I really that shallow of a person to care that much about what others think that I hate all of those things and myself because society defines it that way?!?! Ugh it is a whirlwind.
I keep telling myself to live in the moment. To enjoy life experiences because life
ain’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride”…thank you Gary Allan. I keep telling myself to not let this and what is happening to my body define anything about myself. I am still me. If anything I am a better “me” in character. Of who I a TRULY am as a person. Not who I “am” physically. I do not want to look back on this time in my life and feel like I didn’t experience things because of how I felt physically about myself.
For instance, I used to love pictures. I realize how cherished they can be because of not having enough of my sister, Jana that passed away 10 years ago. However, now I literally cringe and do everything in my power to hold back the tears when someone asks me to take a picture. I don’t want to see myself. I don’t want others to see me.
So here is to TODAY. To challenging myself. To redefining “beauty”. To refocusing on what TRULY matters in life and LIVING in the moment!!!
Happy Saturday to all of you and ENJOY your weekend!!!