The Spoon Theory

For some time now, I have been trying to find a way to explain to people how I am feeling on a daily basis. Life just seems so overwhelming. It is literally a struggle to make it through the day. I am constantly “strategizing my day” like the girl in the article below will explain of her experience too. At first I just thought I was overwhelmed from moving back home and being around more people I know, etc. Now I look back and realize it may have been more. I keep saying I wish I could add a 25th hour to the day.

Spoons

I came across this girl’s article: (http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/)

and, it explains perfectly how I feel on a daily basis. I couldn’t make it through reading this without being in tears because she “get’s it”. That is another difficult part of all of this in general. It is soooo hard to explain to people how you are feeling when they haven’t gone through it themselves. In a Facebook support group I belong to, one person posted:

“Why is it that I feel more comfortable telling people I have never met, that I am having a crappy day, that I want to cry, and crawl back into bed, but don’t know why”

My response:

“OMG… I WAS JUST GETTING READY TO MAKE A POST LIKE THIS!! EXACTLY why what you said it true… we all get it. It is so hard to explain it to people not experiencing it. It is lonely being a world where you feel closer to complete strangers because they understand how you feel more than those in your real life. But THANK GOD FOR ALL OF YOU!”

It’s not that my loved ones don’t care, but I just feel like I am living in a world where I am all alone because no one can feel what I feel or understand what a daily struggle it is just do to basic everyday tasks. When your mind is running 100 miles a minute because your brain still wants to do everything you are used to but your body won’t keep up. It’s a constant struggle, it frustrating and stressful.

And so I leave you with a few thoughts that go through my head daily:

Thoughts

Thanks for listening. Thanks for praying. Thanks for caring.

Deserted Island

I would not say that I am a shallow person. In fact, I considered myself to be a very accepting person when it comes to loving and accepting “all kinds of kinds”…thank you, Miranda Lambert 😉

So why is it I find myself not accepting myself because I am “different” than what I am used to…and you know what, the really difficult part is that the only thing that is “different” about me is that I am “physically different” that I am used to. Now I am finding myself hating myself for being so “shallow” that I literally hate myself and hate looking in the mirror, hate taking pictures because I look at them, and I don’t see my “self”. I don’t see “myself”? Deep down I know I shouldn’t be defining myself by physical looks or attributes, yet I am allowing those thoughts to creep into my head regardless.

Deep down I know and I always tell myself and others not to measure who you are by physical attributes. There is SO much more to people. We should not define ourselves by physical characteristics. The most important thing in life is that you are a good person and treat others well. You take opportunities to be kind, give back, and be the best person you can be.

And you know what, from all of this, I would say I am growing and becoming a better person. I am more focused on treating others well because I realize the power of it.

Hence my new favorite quote:

“Be Kind…For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Battle You Know Nothing About”

–Plato

Too bad only about 1% of all people actually do this. This is why we end up with so many selfish people in the world. Everyone is just thinking of their own self not others.

(http://www.pinterest.com/pin/531424824752514366/)

Yet, I still find myself succumbing to the pressures of society. Why is it that we can tell others not to care what others think but when it comes to ourselves we are our own biggest critic? I am constantly telling others not to focus on physical attributes but to just be the best person they can be in character because that is what truly matters.

Then I turn around and beat myself when I look in the mirror, when I get dressed, when I take a picture because I hate it. I cannot lie. I hate it. I hate me. I hate mirrors. I hate clothes. I hate cameras. I want to move to a deserted island where I don’t have to deal with any of this. Where I don’t have to succumb to all of the pressures of society to look a certain way. Where it isn’t attractive to have “upper body/abdomen obesity” with skinny arms and legs, a moon face, a buffalo hump, deep. red/purple stretch marks, acne, irritated skin, bruises, thin hair, bloating, etc.

Not only do I hate all of those things: mirrors, clothes, cameras, etc. I hate myself for hating all of that stuff. Am I really that shallow of a person to care that much about what others think that I hate all of those things and myself because society defines it that way?!?! Ugh it is a whirlwind.

I keep telling myself to live in the moment. To enjoy life experiences because life
ain’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride”…thank you Gary Allan. I keep telling myself to not let this and what is happening to my body define anything about myself. I am still me. If anything I am a better “me” in character. Of who I a TRULY am as a person. Not who I “am” physically. I do not want to look back on this time in my life and feel like I didn’t experience things because of how I felt physically about myself.

For instance, I used to love pictures. I realize how cherished they can be because of not having enough of my sister, Jana that passed away 10 years ago. However, now I literally cringe and do everything in my power to hold back the tears when someone asks me to take a picture. I don’t want to see myself. I don’t want others to see me.

Be Your Own Kind Of Beautiful Picture by Shi Shi - Inspiring Photo.

(http://www.pinterest.com/pin/403001866629189018/)

So here is to TODAY. To challenging myself. To redefining “beauty”. To refocusing on what TRULY matters in life and LIVING in the moment!!!

Happy Saturday to all of you and ENJOY your weekend!!!

God’s Hand’s

People always say that when times get tough and you are in a dark place in life that you begin to explore your faith more. I never knew what that meant until more recently. I have always believed in God. I was raised Catholic. I haven’t been a church-goer in more recent years. Not because I am against organized religion, but I just haven’t found that church or religion that has made me feel comfortable YET. I have never read the bible front to back, but I do often refer to verses.

The past three years with health issues from my hip, and now more recently with a diagnosis of Cushing’s disease, I have been exploring my faith more. I am finding my strength in God. There are so many bible verses that have reached out to me that never have made sense before. It is strange how fast your life perspective can change (is changing, in fact).

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” -Phillipians 4:13

One common saying that comes to mind and never resonated so much with me before…until now…is “it is in God’s hand’s”. Wow… yes it is.

There are certain things in life that are just out of your control. God already has a plan.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “

-Jeremiah 29:11

So I find reminding myself:

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

I am letting go of things I cannot change.

Also remembering:

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven;

A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.”

–Eccelesiastes 3: 1-8

 

Above I talked about the saying “it is in God’s hand’s”. Recently, I was challenged by my loved one to find something beautiful in each day. My challenge was to focus on that beautiful thing. As I was thinking about this saying, I remembered some pictures posted on Facebook by my wedding photographer, Angela Erhler-Hofer. The pictures were a project called the “Hands Project” through her church. So BEAUTIFUL! Perfect for my challenge to find something beautiful, and they are also a reminder that “it is in God’s hand’s”.

Hand1 Hand2 Hand3 Hand4 Hand5

Keep the faith. God will lead you out of darkness into light.

Living Life

I had someone comment the other day not to take the Dave Ramsey plan too seriously or stress out about it and to make sure to “live life”. This is when I came to the realization that a lot of people do not understand the true concepts or overall purpose of Dave’s plan. It is not meant to be “restrictive” or not “allow you to live life”. In fact, it is the complete opposite. It is “freeing”. It provides “contentment”. It provides a “brighter future” for you and your family. When you are not buried in debt, there are so many things you can do.

Save for retirement, invest. Save for your kid’s college education. Go on vacation, guilt free. Give back.

Following The Total Money Makeover and Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps has allowed us to “live” a better life, not a more stressful or “less of a life” than others. We are just doing it in a different way than most. We find it to be more than worth it. It has also provided contentment and made us realize more of what is important, and that is not “things” but rather being able to share time and experiences with family, friends, and loved ones. That is what is important in life.

If you want to feel rich then count the things you have that money cannot buy.

(http://www.pinterest.com/pin/3940718397452352/)